Doing Without
A horror short story from WHERE THE SHADOWS ARE SHOWN by Josh Schlossberg (available as paperback, ebook, or audiobook on Amazon).
[Pick up a copy of WHERE THE SHADOWS ARE SHOWN by Josh Schlossberg (available as paperback, ebook, or audiobook on Amazon).]
March 7
All the diet gurus say I should keep a journal about my eating. Pretty dumb, but I’ve been trying to lose weight for ten years, and nothing’s worked. At forty-one and 236 lbs., if don’t do this now, I probably never will.
First step? Skip the after-dinner ice cream.
March 10
No dessert on Tuesday and Wednesday, but today I had a scoop with Jamie’s birthday cake. Since I don’t have the self-control to keep the stuff in the house, I dumped the rest down the sink.
March 16
Almost a full week without sugar, and I’ve lost two pounds! Then, this morning, I found myself rooting through the cabinet for a jar of honey. Like an addict, I scraped up the last spoonful and licked it down. That aside, the cravings aren’t bad as they were. Just need to keep away from anything sweet, and Jamie’s been very supportive about that.
March 19
Down another three to 231! Go me! Thing is, every time I drink I want sugar.
The verdict? No alcohol for a month!
March 24
Down four more pounds. I know I’m hardly svelte, but this is kind of a big deal for me. Jamie keeps telling me how good I look, and I swear I have more energy.
April 2
Haven’t lost a single damn pound in over a week. Must’ve plucked the low hanging fruit, and if I don’t do something else, I’ll be stuck at 227 forever.
Going to have to ditch carbs. Ice cream and beer were just diversions, but is life even worth living without pasta, pizza, and potato chips?
April 13
I can’t believe it, but the carb cravings are gone. Okay, not totally, but I’m enjoying meat and vegetables and beans and nuts more than I ever thought I would. And I’m down to 220!
April 19
213 and Jamie can’t stop touching my new bod.
The other day I realized I’m using way too much salt and spices. So, I’ve been doing without, and, while at first everything was bland, the other flavors are now coming through. Almonds, which I’d never eaten except in a candy bar, taste like tropical flowers blooming in my mouth.
April 29
Weighed myself for the first time in weeks. Not only am I under 200, I’m an even 196!
Jamie says I’m turning into an anorexic, but that’s silly. I’m not avoiding food, just realizing a lot of my eating was from stress or boredom. Trying smaller mouthfuls, more chewing, pacing myself instead of scarfing everything down. Only three small meals a day, and I’m totally satisfied.
May 23
Not weighing myself anymore but definitely in the best shape of my life.
Except the deeper lesson hasn’t been about eating but craving sensation. In this modern cyberworld it’s all about that dopamine hit, the noise and flashing colors killing our attention span. That’s why I’m quitting all TV and movies and cutting off the internet.
Never seen Jamie more upset over nothing. I don’t know what’s going on with us anymore.
May 27
Jamie moved out last night. Why? Because I don’t want to have sex all the time. The hyperstimulation drowns out everything else, and I just wanted a break.
Sad as I am, it’s probably for the best. Jamie and I aren’t compatible now. In fact, I’m starting to suspect relationships are only another kind of addiction.
June 2
Been talking on the phone to Mom and Dad a lot. Isn’t conversation a crutch, too?
June 7
Boss wasn’t keen on my week of silence, so next day came the pink slip. And while I know I should feel super anxious, I don’t. Never liked that job anyway.
How much money do I even need? My food and electric bills are a quarter of what they were before. Biggest expense is rent. Which makes me wonder.
July 3
Landlord kicked me out after I tried to sublet the place so I could live in my tent in the backyard. No big deal, found a nice campsite in the woods near a pond. Speaking of which, I’ve shed so many of my addictions that one craving stands out like a sore thumb: water. But if I just eat fruits and leafy greens and don’t move around a lot, I don’t need more than half a liter a day.
July 25
Eating only a few leaves of kale, but I’m still thirsty. Luckily, I’ve been down this road before with everything else, and I know I’ll get used to it.
August 5
Still not solved the water problem, but meditation takes my mind off it. I don’t even read now, because when you strip away the distractions, all the entertainment you need is to breathe in and out, in and out.
August 14
Harsh realization this morning. The joy I get from meditative breathing is just more attachment. But when I sit very still, I can slow my heart beat down to where I don’t need to take so many breaths.
August 17
Trying to hold my breath, counting up to ninety seconds.
August 21
Working on two minutes.
August 24
Reason I couldn’t get to two minutes was it was too easy to sneak a breath. Until I started dunking myself in the pond, and problem solved! Now going for two and a half.
August 27
My body keeps pushing itself up to the surface when it gets low on air. So, I’m tying a rope to my ankle attached to a rock, which I’ll only untie when I’m really out of breath.
September 5
Hard but made it to two minutes and forty seconds. I know I can get to three. A little risky, but so what?
After all, isn’t consciousness—life itself for that matter—the worst addiction there is?